


FDACIS

by mtac_archivist



Category: NCIS
Genre: Alternate Universe, Episode: s01e10 Left For Dead, Gen, Not a Crossover, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-11-19
Updated: 2006-11-19
Packaged: 2019-03-02 06:41:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13312602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mtac_archivist/pseuds/mtac_archivist
Summary: NCIS as an FDA force. The agents of NCIS would be just as professional investigating diners, right?





	FDACIS

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Jessi, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [ MTAC](https://fanlore.org/wiki/MTAC), an archive of NCIS fanfiction which closed in 2017. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after August 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator (and this work is still attached to the archivist account), please contact me using the e-mail address on [ the MTAC collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/mtac/profile)

(A dairy delivery truck drives past a strip mall late at night. It pulls in behind the mall, and stops near the back door of a restaurant. The driver gets out, knocks on the door, and starts opening the truck. From behind the restaurant’s dumpster, a disheveled woman staggers over to the truck.)

JANE DOE: [whimpers] Help! Help!! 

DAIRY DRIVER: Do you work here? 

JANE DOE: I don\\\\\'t think so...I was in the dumpster. 

DAIRY DRIVER: Buried? 

JANE DOE: Back there...

(The back door opens, a woman in chef’s clothing steps out. Driver turns to her:) 

DAIRY DRIVER: Ellie, call 911! (eases the dumpster woman towards the building) 

JANE DOE: No! 

DAIRY DRIVER: Easy. Easy, I just wanna get you inside. It\\\\\'s warm. What\\\\\'s your name? 

JANE DOE: I don\\\\\'t know! 

DAIRY DRIVER: You\\\\\'re in shock. You\\\\\'ll remember in time. 

JANE DOE: There isn\\\\\'t any time. There\\\\\'s a dog. 

DAIRY DRIVER: A what? 

JANE DOE: A dog, in a kitchen, a restaurant kitchen. People are gonna eat a dog. People are gonna eat dog!

*********

(A very old and dilapodated roadside diner, one car in the parking lot. The camera closes in and we see signs of renovation in progress. On a counter in the middle of being refurbished, we see a sleeping man among the tools and debris of reconstruction)

TELEVISION: US Farm Report, America\\\\\'s longest-running agri-business news program. Hello everyone, welcome to the...(phone rings, Gibbs pulls it from his pocket to answer it) 

GIBBS: Gibbs. 

TONY: Hey, boss. Rise and shine. 

GIBBS: Oh. It\\\\\'s 0520. Ah. Going good. I\\\\\'m up. Are you at the office? 

TONY: Yeah, a boiler blew in my apartment, so it knocked out the power, won\\\\\'t have any heat or electricity for a month. Fall asleep working in your diner again? 

GIBBS: Why do you say that, Dinozzo. 

TONY: Boss, I know the Farm Report when I hear it. You only have one TV and it\\\\\'s in your restaurant. 

GIBBS: What\\\\\'ve you got, Dinozzo? 

TONY: Motorist picked up a Jane Doe in back of Chez Pierre’s in Abercrombie Plaza. Claimed she dug herself out of a dumpster, no ID, and guess what? 

GIBBS: She can\\\\\'t remember her name. 

TONY: Yeah. How\\\\\'d you know that? 

GIBBS: Well, ah, she\\\\\'s alive and you\\\\\'re calling her Jane Doe. What was your first clue? TONY: Oh. Yeah. That\\\\\'s right. 

GIBBS: Well, it\\\\\'s also obvious that she has no ID, so she was prob\\\\\'ly wearing a waitress or cook’s uniform.. 

TONY: A-ha-ha! She wasn\\\\\'t! So why did the cops call FDA, huh? Tell me that?...She told them there\\\\\'s a dog on the menu in a restaurant somewhere. 

GIBBS: Hospital. 

TONY: Georgetown University. 

GIBBS: Get Kate over there. I\\\\\'ll call Ducky and meet you outside the office in twenty. 

TONY: Okay. Hey, listen. Since, uhm, y\\\\\'know, you\\\\\'re always up all night working over at your diner and -

GIBBS: No, you cannot stay at my place. Remember the last time?

*********

(At the scene of the dumpster)

DUCKY: It\\\\\'s not very clean. 

GIBBS: Dumpsters rarely are. 

DUCKY: Do you know why dumpsters are eight feet wide, Gibbs? 

GIBBS: I do. 

DUCKY: Yes, eight feet is the maximum width that can be accomodated by a collection truck built to travel on modern roadways. Which is based on a road width established by Roman engineers 2134 years ago for the reason of-

GIBBS: Duck, I said I knew. 

DUCKY: Sorry. 

TONY: No footprints in the flour. Chef says that they found worms in their flour about 4 yesterday, dumped the whole batch. The only print in what spilled was the outline of the feet of the guy standing there when the bag burst. Anyone later would have left prints in the flour. Whoever dumped her may have parked just across from the dumpster, tossed her from the back of a pickup or from a sunroof. The cops circle hourly at night, right up to closing…so...he\\\\\'d\\\\\'ve had to move pretty fast to be parked here.

GIBBS: Every try to wrestle a limp body through a sunroof, Tony?

TONY: Drug a drunk friend down into the car, once, but never lifted one out. 

GIBBS: Well, our dumper was in a hurry, that wouldn’t work, probably used a pickup. Okay. Let\\\\\'s get to work.

DUCKY: I don\\\\\'t have any FDA violations. 

GIBBS: Well then, go find some. 

DUCKY: Here? 

GIBBS: Sure. There’s three eateries in this strip mall. Wanna bet all of them are completely within FDA guidelines at every moment? 

DUCKY: Quite right, Jethro. 

TONY: Heh. That\\\\\'s slick, boss. 

GIBBS: What\\\\\'s that? 

TONY: Getting Ducky off, so he wouldn\\\\\'t bug us with all those stories about the...we\\\\\'d better get back to work.

*********

(at the hospital, Kate speaks with Dr. Adio about Jane)

DRADIO: Her amnesia can be rooted in a number of causes. Ah, she suffered blunt force trauma to the cranium, there was some petechial hemhorraging... 

KATE: Whoa, petechial? 

DRADIO: I\\\\\'m sorry, ah, pinpoint hemhorraging, on her eyelids. It\\\\\'s from a, ah, lack of oxygen. 

KATE: She came close to suffocating in that dumpster? 

DRADIO: Very close. And, as if the physical traumas weren\\\\\'t enough, one has to consider the, the emotional trauma of being treated like trash. 

KATE: Sounds like my last relationship. 

DRADIO: It\\\\\'s one of our oldest fears. Next to being eaten by a wild animal. 

KATE: That would be my college boyfriend….

DRADIO: Well, y\\\\\'know, perhaps not consciously, y\\\\\'know. Uhm, Jung postulated that we genetically inherited our primordial fears, ah, which can be triggered by smells, or, or sounds. I\\\\\'ll, I\\\\\'ll never forget my first trip to Africa. There was a…

KATE: Are you by any chance related to a Doctor Mallard? 

DRADIO: Mallard. No. I don\\\\\'t think so. 

KATE: Just wondering. When will she regain her memory? 

DRADIO: Well, it could happen in a flash, or slowly over a period of days, weeks, even months. Now, her memory of being dumped may never return. 

KATE: Where are they taking her? 

DRADIO: For a CT scan, a neurological consult.

*********

(At the scene, Gibbs speaks on his phone)

GIBBS: No, you will not put her picture on TV. I want whoever did this to think she\\\\\'s still dead. 

KATE: Gibbs, but... 

GIBBS: No, Kate. No. Our priority is finding the dog. 

KATE: Right, but we can\\\\\'t – 

(Gibbs hangs up on Kate) 

GIBBS: She\\\\\'s bonded. 

TONY: Kate and Jane Doe? 

GIBBS: Oh, yeah. She hasn\\\\\'t even questioned her yet. \\\\\"Her eyes, they just...pleaded for help.\\\\\" 

TONY: Love that look in a woman.

DUCKY: I couldn\\\\\'t find a violation. 

TONY: Sorry. 

DUCKY: How did you two do? 

GIBBS: Found a couple soupbones. 

DUCKY: Ahhh. No, this one\\\\\'s from a cow, Angus I believe, but this one\\\\\'s a used chew toy and oh...not more than a couple days old.

GIBBS: Fresh? 

DUCKY: Gibbs, I will not even try to give you a time of death of this cow. It’s been slaughtered, butchered, the meat stripped off it, and boiled in a stock.

GIBBS: I’m asking, if this bone was used and discarded by this restaurant since the last time this dumpster was emptied, would it be considered ‘fresh’ by FDA standards? 

DUCKY: Oh, yes, by FDA standards, it’s fresh, and even palatable by the standards of retirement dinners and airline food.

GIBBS: Thanks. 

TONY: Y\\\\\'know, I was just thinking. Since the soup bone and the chew toy were here where Jane Doe was dumped...Never mind. 

DUCKY: Wouldn\\\\\'t it be fascinating if our Jane Doe was unknowingly dumped with other dietary violations? Oh, it happened to me once before, you know. In \\\\\'68. Or was it \\\\\'67...oh, well, no matter. I’ll tell you all about it.

*********

(at the hospital)

KATE: I appreciate your letting me do this. 

JANE DOE: I\\\\\'d like to know who I am, too. 

KATE: I\\\\\'ll need your clothes. 

JANE DOE: My clothes? 

KATE: If you handled dogs, our forensics people will find hair in your clothing. 

JANE DOE: Of course. 

KATE: Can I have your right hand, please? 

JANE DOE: I think I\\\\\'ve done this before. 

KATE: If so, that\\\\\'s good news. You\\\\\'ll be in somebody\\\\\'s database. 

JANE DOE: FBI\\\\\'s eco-terrorist list. 

KATE: You have to stop thinking like that. 

JANE DOE: How am I to think? I know there\\\\\'s a dog in a kitchen somewhere and I put it there. I may have cooked it. 

KATE: Do you remember cooking it? 

JANE DOE: No. But I know it\\\\\'s there. 

KATE: Well, knowing it\\\\\'s there doesn\\\\\'t mean you cooked it, does it? 

JANE DOE: No, I suppose not. 

[flashback of a dining room] 

KATE: What is it? 

JANE DOE: I remember...being in a dining room. 

KATE: Which one? 

JANE DOE: I don\\\\\'t know.

KATE: Well, describe it. Were you eating? Serving?

*********

(At the scene)

DUCKY: We found a spiced octopus lodged in the Comanche\\\\\'s throat. Now, since the spiced octopus was served to the Comanches at 1434, we had an approximate time of death to work with. 

TONY: Speaking of time...you know, we\\\\\'ve worked together for two years, and I have no idea where you live? 

DUCKY: Well, I\\\\\'d just as well we kept it that way, Tony. 

TONY: Right. 

GIBBS: Well, hello. 

DUCKY: Ah, another artifact. 

GIBBS: Only if your pre-Columbians used keys.

*********

(Abby’s lab)

ABBY: So I suppose you want me to find out what chastity belt this opens. 

GIBBS: Do I look like Dinozzo? 

TONY: That\\\\\'s not funny, boss. Besides. I could open a chastity belt. 

ABBY: Have you ever seen one? Mine\\\\\'s awesome, it\\\\\'s 18th century French. 

TONY: You have a chastity belt? 

GIBBS: So much more information than I needed to know about, Abby, and not enough about this key. 

ABBY: The key opens a magnetized lock. Instead of serrations, magnets repel magnetized pins. 

GIBBS: Hotel room? 

ABBY: Possibly. But it could be any high-security lock. There\\\\\'s no logos, or serial numbers, but a magnetic code is like a fingerprint, so it\\\\\'ll lead me back to whatever system made the code on the key. 

KATE: Hospital called, ah, the rape kit is negative. Anything on her prints or clothing? 

ABBY: Nothing on her fingerprints yet. But the hair sniffer should give me something on her clothes soon. 

GIBBS: Hey. How was your interview? 

KATE: It\\\\\'s sad, Gibbs. She\\\\\'s trying so hard, she desperately wants to help. 

GIBBS: I\\\\\'m glad, but did she remember anything? 

KATE: She did, ah, she thinks that she\\\\\'s been fingerprinted before. 

TONY: Eco-Terrorist. 

KATE: And she remembers eating rare steak in a classy dining room. She\\\\\'s not the eco-terrorist type, Tony. 

TONY: Oh, so you\\\\\'re thinking more Angelina Jolie? 

ABBY: We got a whoop. 

GIBBS: What kinda whoop, Abby? Abby? 

ABBY: Okay, uhm. This hit is German Shepard. And this spike is Doberman. 

TONY: So our Jane Doe is from some place that has guard dogs? 

ABBY: Not necessarily. There’s also Dachshund, Chihuahua and Chow.

GIBBS: Chow. A dog bred for food. 

KATE: Well, not in DC…

TONY: Ever hear about the brisk-brisk turnover rate at the kennel in a Vietnamese neighborhood? 

*********

 

(hospital)

JANE DOE: I don\\\\\'t know which is worse - not knowing who you are, or knowing you\\\\\'re an eco-terrorist. 

KATE: The hairs on your clothing do not make you a PETA-sympathetic terrorist. I told you there are lots of reasons to spend time among dogs. Maybe you’re a vet?

JANE DOE: I like dogs, I, I hate polyester. I don\\\\\'t like artificial sweetener -

KATE: How do you know? 

JANE DOE: I just know. Like, I know I don\\\\\'t like strawberries but I love blueberries. I know what I like and what I don\\\\\'t like, Agent Todd, I just don\\\\\'t know who I am, what I do, where I live... 

KATE: Okay. Let\\\\\'s say the hair was from the dog you remember seeing in a kitchen. It could\\\\\'ve come from a...a legitimate occupation. 

JANE DOE: What, I\\\\\'m an...[german]...that means ‘cook’ in German. How do I know that? 

KATE: Maybe it\\\\\'s your job title. Sprechen sie deutsch? 

JANE DOE: No. 

KATE: Okay, maybe it\\\\\'s a German firm here. If you worked in Germany you, you would know the language. You realize what this could mean? 

JANE DOE: Yeah, it means I could\\\\\'ve put a dog in some cafeteria’s food stocks.. 

KATE: Or you know who did, and they tried to kill you. 

JANE DOE: You think? 

KATE: I do. 

JANE DOE: Why do you believe in me? 

KATE: Why do you like blueberries?

*********

(hospital, nurse’s station)

DRADIO: I can\\\\\'t release a woman who doesn\\\\\'t know her name, Agent Gibbs. 

GIBBS: What did the neurological consult say? 

DRADIO: She\\\\\'s in no medical danger. But she doesn\\\\\'t know who she is, ah, ah, where she lives, her phone number, anything. 

KATE: Yes, you can, Doctor. Tell them, Maureen. 

JANE DOE: My name\\\\\'s Maureen Ingalls. I live at 620 Niagara Street in Alexandria. I don\\\\\'t think I ever remembered my phone number. 

GIBBS: Do you remember who dumped you? 

KATE: She may always block that memory. Isn\\\\\'t that right, Doctor? 

DRADIO: Yes, see, um, most traumatic amnesiacs never recall the event which triggered the memory loss. In fact, I had a case where there were three accident victims, who, ah... 

TONY: What if her dumper returns? 

KATE: She\\\\\'ll be in protective custody. At my place. 

DRADIO: So you\\\\\'ll assume responsibility for signing her out? 

KATE: Of course. 

DRADIO: I still suggest she stays here another 24 hours, but...since she\\\\\'s recovered her memory, I... 

KATE: Thank you, Doctor. Oh, and Ms. Ingalls...has no clothes, so could she borrow a set of greens? 

DRADIO: Ah, no problem. Follow me, please. 

KATE: I\\\\\'ll join you in a minute. 

GIBBS: Okay, who\\\\\'s Maureen Ingalls? 

KATE: How do you know she isn\\\\\'t? (two beats) She’s my cousin. 

TONY: That was a quick fold, Kate, even under Gibbs’ steely gaze. 

GIBBS: Kate, do you realize the laws you\\\\\'re violating by signing her out when she\\\\\'s lying? 

KATE: Her memory is already coming back, Gibbs. I mean, she remembered the German word for ‘cook.’ 

TONY: She speaks German? 

KATE: No. No, but I think she cooks for a German firm here. 

TONY: Or a German ecoterrorist cell with ties to PETA extremists. 

KATE: Yeah, well, since PETA’s most violent are not listed in the yellow pages, let\\\\\'s start tracking German companies first. 

TONY: Whoa, what\\\\\'s with you and Jane Doe? 

KATE: She\\\\\'ll be occupying my spare bedroom so I don\\\\\'t have to say no to you. 

TONY: Oh! Did I ask? Huh, did I? 

GIBBS: Why are you doing this, Kate? 

KATE: She\\\\\'s terrified, Gibbs. I just think my place would be more conducive to her recovering her memory than a hospital. And we need to find that dog.

*********

(Abby’s lab)

ABBY: Gotcha. 

GIBBS: Oh, I love to hear that word out of those dark lips, Abby. 

ABBY: Hey guys, what\\\\\'d you find? 

TONY: Kate willing to give her bedroom to Jane Doe but not me. 

ABBY: Shocking. 

GIBBS: Back to gotcha? 

ABBY: You were right, Gibbs. I matched the magnetic code to a system at Mag Secure. It\\\\\'s a hotel room key. 

GIBBS: Got a list of the hotels? 

ABBY: MagSecure\\\\\'s faxing over a list, it\\\\\'ll be here shortly. 

TONY: Hey, what\\\\\'s that on the top? 

ABBY: Oh, scratch. 

TONY: Mmm...that\\\\\'s more than a scratch. 

ABBY: You might actually be right. 

GIBBS: No. 

TONY: 20/10, same as Ted Williams. He could see the seams on a fastball coming at him. 

GIBBS: How \\\\\'bout knuckles? 

ABBY: Whoa. 

GIBBS: Oh. How did someone etch letters that small? 

ABBY: Microlaser. It was developed to put serial numbers on diamonds. The numbers are invisible to the naked eye -

TONY: Not mine. 

ABBY: - so that the thieves think their heist is fenceable, and then wham. They get five to ten. 

GIBBS: Why use them on a room key? 

ABBY: Maybe someone was playing with the hotel\\\\\'s new toy. Like when photocopiers first came out and people wre copying everything from C notes to their butts. 

TONY: You sat your naked butt on a photocopier, didn\\\\\'t you, Abby? 

ABBY: Yup.

GIBBS: If this case isn’t compelling enough for the two or you, I can get you assigned to investigating complaints about workers having sex in the freezer at McDonald’s or Burger King. (Gibbs leaves) TONY: People complain about that? I used to brag. ABBY: Sometimes, depending on just how cold it was, I did both. TONY: Both bragged and complained? ABBY: No, both Mickey D’s and BK. TONY: What a mis-spent youth. Just like mine. ABBY: Actually, it was last weekend. (They smile at each other) *********

(Kate’s Apartment)

JANE DOE: This is you with the President! 

KATE: I used to be with the Food Service on Air Force One. 

JANE DOE: Why\\\\\'d you leave? 

KATE: The work at FDA is more interesting. 

JANE DOE: Than flying around the country with the President? 

KATE: Well, it\\\\\'s not all it\\\\\'s cracked up to be. Y\\\\\'know, constantly on edge, worried that some nut is going to take a shot at the plane. 

JANE DOE: Or poison his food. 

KATE: Try this sweater and pants. They should fit all right. 

JANE DOE: I\\\\\'ve been trying to recall that kitchen. I know it\\\\\'s not single-family…. 

KATE: Fastfood? 

JANE DOE: N...no. 

KATE: Well, there are lots of sizes of kitchen, cafeteria, industrial, instructional,…. 

JANE DOE: They sound the same. 

KATE: Well, can you remember if there was anyone else? Anyone wearing a logo on their jacket?

JANE DOE: Oh. I wish I could give you a name. 

KATE: Maybe you can.

*********

(Abby’s lab)

ABBY: Looks like there\\\\\'s only three hotels in the DC area that use MagSecure keys. 

TONY: And the phone number for the Jackson is 5-5-5 -

GIBBS: Triple five, zero one hundred. 

TONY: Did you get contact lenses? 

GIBBS: Nope. Can I talk to your manager please? 

TONY: Laser surgery? 

GIBBS: No, Dinozzo, put a sock in it! Contact the rest of these hotels. Special Agent Gibbs, FDA Criminal Investigative Service.

*********

(Kate’s Apartment)

JANE DOE: I never knew DC had so many restaurants. 

KATE: Yeah, and these are just the public dining facilities. 

JANE DOE: Some of the names sound familiar... 

KATE: Well, it was worth a shot. What\\\\\'s wrong? 

JANE DOE: I just feel a little dizzy. 

KATE: Maybe I should just take you back to the hospital. 

JANE DOE: No - no. I think I\\\\\'m just weak from hunger. I don\\\\\'t remember the last time I ate. 

KATE: Well, we\\\\\'d better get you some food then.

(They dress to go out)

JANE DOE: I think...I have a coat like this. 

KATE: You sure? 

JANE DOE: The texture and...these buttons. Yeah, I\\\\\'m positive. 

KATE: It\\\\\'s a Michael Bee; there are only a few stores that carry his line. 

JANE DOE: Let\\\\\'s go! 

KATE: Okay. First we eat. 

JANE DOE: Food can wait. Finding the dog is more important. 

(Kate opens a minifridge, pulls out some sandwiches)

KATE: You never know when you’ll lose your appetite on my job.

*********

(Abby’s lab)

TONY: None of the hotels micro-etch their keys. 

ABBY: Well, somebody etched \\\\\"The Apartment\\\\\" on that key. 

GIBBS: Maybe a permanent resident. What hotels besides the Jackson take permanent residents? 

TONY: Neither of them. 

GIBBS: We\\\\\'ll need a search authorization. 

TONY: How\\\\\'d you know the Jackson has permanent residents? 

GIBBS: I just did. 

TONY: Did you used to live there, boss? 

GIBBS: No. 

TONY: You know someone who lives there? 

GIBBS: My ex-wife lives there. 

TONY: Oh. Oh-ho! So, you didn\\\\\'t read the phone number. You knew it.

*********

(clothing store)

KATE: Anything familiar? Sound of the traffic outside, smell of the clothing, anything? 

CLERKATE: It\\\\\'s been a while, hasn\\\\\'t it? 

JANE DOE: You remember me? 

CLERKATE: Oh, no, your coat. It\\\\\'s about three years old. Still looks great though. You know, you should check out his new line. It\\\\\'s really fantastic. 

JANE DOE: I - prefer black. 

(Jane sees a bald man enter the store, reacts visibly)

KATE: Do you recognize him? 

JANE DOE: He reminds me of the man that attacked me…

*********

(the Jackson, hallway)

TONY: V-e-ery expensive looking, boss, I hope she\\\\\'s not sticking you with the bill -

GIBBS: Has Mr. Richter had a suite here for a while? 

HOTEL GUY: Over two years. 

GIBBS: Then you know him well? 

HOTEL GUY: Not really. If the residents don\\\\\'t call us with a problem, we respect their privacy. Here we are, suite 8700. (opens the door)Oh, my.

*********

(From the clothes store, Kate phones Gibbs at the Jackson) KATE: Gibbs. She just remembered the man who attacked her. 

GIBBS: Oookay...she give you a name? 

KATE: No. He\\\\\'s Caucasian, bald, late forties, and when attacked her, he was wearing a -

GIBBS: Blue blazer, blue shirt, burgundy tie with a blue stripe? 

KATE: You found him? 

GIBBS: Oh, yeah, we found him. (a man’s body lies sprawled on the floor next to an extensive pool of vomit)

*********

KOCHOFIS: You\\\\\'re telling me those dudes from Hoover didn\\\\\'t save the man. 

TONY: Hell no, it was FDA-us. 

KOCHOFIS: Not according to the tv reports. 

TONY: Yeah, well, when do they get it right? Boss, this is detective Andy Kochofis, homicide. Cut me some slack on the Baskin-Robbins investigation. 

GIBBS: Yeah, maybe he\\\\\'ll do it again. 

KOCHOFIS: What, I do it once and I\\\\\'m a whore? 

GIBBS: A courtesan, maybe. At least a geisha. Richter had a year\\\\\'s lease, but it\\\\\'s not the home address on his driver\\\\\'s license. 

TONY: There\\\\\'s no clothes on the closet, no photos, just hotel amenities. 

GIBBS: Check the booze. 

TONY: Oh, yeah. That\\\\\'s not hotel stock. McKellan 19, Belvedere, Home Bay Sapphire, Glenlivet,. 

KOCHOFIS: Could be a Beltway Bandit. Leased this suite for company entertainment. 

GIBBS: In his own name? 

KOCHOFIS: Tony said an amnesia case led you here. 

GIBBS: Yeah. Found the key to this place in Jane Doe\\\\\'s grave. 

KOCHOFIS: I thought she was alive. 

TONY: Ah, she woke up taking a dumpster dive and did a Dracula. 

KOCHOFIS: Huh. That\\\\\'s a new one. 

GIBBS: Whoever dumped her thinks she\\\\\'s dead. I\\\\\'d like to keep it that way. 

KOCHOFIS: Okay. But why do you want the lead on the investigation? 

GIBBS: There may be an ecoterrorist contamination of public food service in the mix, we just like to keep it all in one ball of wax. 

TONY: Yeah, look how well we did last time, huh? 

KOCHOFIS: Yeah, not according to the -

TONY: To the TV, yeah, don\\\\\'t rub it in. 

KOCHOFIS: All right, look. If our ME\\\\\'s cool, so am I.

DIGGER: Ducky, I should do this autopsy. 

DUCKY: Oh, now, Digger, I can cite you a dozen cases where the local authority was usurped by an ongoing federal investigation. Look at Lincoln\\\\\'s assassination. He was shot at the Ford Theater only a few blocks from here. Now that is an autopsy I would like. 79.1. 

DIGGER: 72.3. 

DUCKY: My God, Digger, when did your department update its field kits? Your probe\\\\\'s so old it could have been used on Typhoid Mary. Were you as amazed by her story as I was, Digger? A healthy woman making all those people sick and not having a clue. Can you imagine not having a clue, Digger? 

DIGGER: Y\\\\\'know, you\\\\\'re right. Our equipment is outdated. We\\\\\'re backed up at the lab anyway. He\\\\\'s all yours, Ducky. FDACIS will handle the autopsy. 

KOCHOFIS: Okay, Aldridge. 

GIBBS: What\\\\\'d he die from, Ducky? 

DUCKY: From the posture and the vomit, I suspect rather virulent poison. Something he ingested. Yes, I believe we\\\\\'ll find a toxin in something here. He wouldn’t have had time to eat elsewhere and then make it to this apartment. I hope he didn\\\\\'t suffer the indignity of someone poisoning this fine bottle of Glenlivet, though. 

GIBBS: Tony. 

TONY: I\\\\\'m on it. 

GIBBS: Was he murdered before our Jane Doe was dumped? 

TONY: Liver temperature was close to room temperature, so he deceased at least 18 hours ago. 

GIBBS: Doesn\\\\\'t answer my question. 

DUCKY: Jethro, I don\\\\\'t answer forensics questions I don\\\\\'t know the answers to. You know that. Why do you keep asking me? 

GIBBS: Force of habit. 

TONY: A-ah. Bad news, Ducky. No food in the fridge, no containers in the trash, no crumbs on the counter. But there is some scotch poured in the glass, here. 

DUCKY: Oh, you poor man.

*********

(restaurant) JANE DOE: What kind of person am I to be involved in this? 

KATE: Well, we don\\\\\'t know what the \\\\\'this\\\\\' is, yet. Or how you\\\\\'re involved. And bad things happen to good people all the time. I sound like a self-help book. 

JANE DOE: No! You\\\\\'ve been wonderful to me. I deeply appreciate it, Kate. I just wish I could remember more. 

KATE: So the name Walter Richter means nothing to you? 

JANE DOE: Nothing. Will I have to look at his body? 

KATE: Maybe not. We\\\\\'re running a background check, and we\\\\\'ll find out how he\\\\\'s connected to you. If he\\\\\'s connected to you at all. 

WAITRESS: And here you are. 

KATE: I\\\\\'m starving. How \\\\\'bout you? 

JANE DOE: Famished. 

[flashback] 

KATE: Tell me what you\\\\\'re seeing. 

JANE DOE: A sad and lonely woman.

*********

(Abby’s lab)

ABBY: Guys, this is weird. 

TONY: Hm, Ducky didn\\\\\'t like it either. Said it was sacriledge. 

ABBY: Oh, no, no, the poison is cool, it\\\\\'s what I found that\\\\\'s weird. There\\\\\'s a partial palm print on this bottle of scotch. 

GIBBS: Parial? Are you saying our palm print might be useless for identification? 

ABBY: Yes. But the partial? It’s in the shape of a twinkie. Isn’t that weird? 

GIBBS: That\\\\\'s not what I think is weird, Ab. What about the latents you found at the hotel room. 

ABBY: Um, there were some unknowns and some matches. The ones on the crystal tumbler and the bottle belonged to the victim. But what\\\\\'s going to make your day is the latent you lifted off the desk. The one at the left side, Kate took off of Jane Doe at the hospital. On the right side is your print from the desk. 

TONY: Well, they match. 

ABBY: Fourteen Galton points. 

GIBBS: Jane Doe was in that hotel suite.

*********

(morgue)

DUCKY: Our victim died from a very strong toxin, a custom concoction of two acids and a number of additions to make it quite the deadly toddy. 

GIBBS: You got a time of death yet? 

DUCKY: Well, due to the fixed lividity, the degree of putrefection, and the level of escorichia coli in the stomach and digestive tract -

GIBBS: Ducky. 

DUCKY: At least forty-four hours ago. It\\\\\'s the best I can do with any certainty. 

GIBBS: Our Jane Doe was found at 2350 Monday, less than two days ago. 

DUCKY: Then it\\\\\'s safe to say our guest didn\\\\\'t put her in the dumpster. 

GIBBS: None of this is getting us to a dog in a kitchen, Duck! 

(Tony enters morgue)

TONY: Ah, but it is, boss. Background on Richter. He was head of security for a German firm - BDH. What is with the Germans and the alphabet thing? BMW, BMG, BASF - and they\\\\\'re all B\\\\\'s. 

GIBBS: I\\\\\'m resisting the urge to say cut the BS. 

TONY: BDH stands for Bäckerei Die Hund. 

GIBBS: Tell me that \\\\\"bäckerei\\\\\" means the same in German as it sounds like it does in English. 

TONY: Ja vol, mein capitan. BDH is a Bakery. For Hounds. 

GIBBS: Actually, ‘gone to the dogs’ might be more accurate.

TONY: Sprechen sie Deutsche, boss? 

GIBBS: Nein. (with a grin)

*********

(In the offices of BDH, Gibbs and Tony question the director) 

BRAUER: In a hotel. 

GIBBS: The Jackson. 

BRAUER: Mein Gott. Suite 8700? I was there Friday. 

TONY: To kill Richter? 

BRAUER: No. How could you ask such a question? 

TONY: It\\\\\'s my job. 

BRAUER: I take it you don\\\\\'t have the murderer, Agent Gibbs? 

GIBBS: What were you doing at the Jackson Friday? 

BRAUER: We maintain a suite there. Two of our senior engineers were over from Berlin, we had drinks before dinner. 

GIBBS: Why is the room leased in Richter\\\\\'s name? 

BRAUER: Ours is a very competitive business. We don\\\\\'t want our rivals knowing where our firm puts up people. Maids have been bribed, phones bugged... 

TONY: People murdered. 

BRAUER: That\\\\\'s a first for us. 

GIBBS: May not be the last. 

TONY: Who runs your kitchen? 

BRAUER: We have over a dozen kitchens in this facility alone, Agent Dinozzo. Which one do you mean?

TONY: Well, who’s the senior American woman involved in your kitchens? We’ll work down as necessary.

BRAUER: Suzanne MacNeil. Is she dead, too? 

GIBBS: You have a photo of her? 

BRAUER: Yes, in our personnel records. 

GIBBS: What kind of work does she do for you? 

BRAUER: She formulates recipes for our pet food lines. Please tell me Suzanne is not dead. 

TONY: Suzanne is not dead. 

(Brauer gives a small start)

GIBBS: Whoops. 

TONY: Mhm, big whoops. 

GIBBS: You look kind of surprised to find out she\\\\\'s alive, Brauer. 

BRAUER: Yeah. You tell me Walter has been murdered. You say he may not be the only one, and then you ask me about Suzanne. Of course I assume that she\\\\\'s dead too. This is Suzanne MacNeil.

(he turns the computer screen around to them)

*********

(in the morgue)

KATE: Are you sure you\\\\\'re ready to do this? 

SUZANNE: I don\\\\\'t know. But if it can help me regain my memory, th en I have no choice, right? 

KATE: Come on. Doctor Mallard, this is Jane Doe. DUCKY: Hello. 

SUZANNE: Doctor. 

DUCKY: Ready? 

[flashback] RICHTER: There\\\\\'s six months of severance here. I advise you take it. Go look for new worlds to conquer. 

 

KATE: Anything? 

SUZANNE: Nothing. The poor man. 

DUCKY: Yes.

*********

(from BDH, Gibbs phones Todd) 

GIBBS: Her name\\\\\'s Suzanne MacNeil. She formulates recipes for BDH. 

KATE: Well, if she remembers a dog in a kitchen, it could be for a taste test. 

GIBBS: I\\\\\'ve emailed her personnel file to you. The Germans typically keep meticulous records, so it\\\\\'ll be like telling her life story. She recognize Richter? 

KATE: No. No, all she felt was sympathy for him? 

GIBBS: She got all teary-eyed over a body she didn\\\\\'t know? 

KATE: She\\\\\'s a nice lady, Gibbs. 

GIBBS: Oh, yeah. So you keep telling me. 

KATE: Does Brauer know that she lost her memory?

GIBBS: He knows she\\\\\'s alive and he\\\\\'s not in cuffs. Probably thinks she\\\\\'s unconscious or too traumatized to remember. 

KATE: Are you sure he dumped her? 

GIBBS: Oh, yeah. 

KATE: Then why\\\\\'d he want her dead? 

GIBBS: I got a couple of ideas. 

KATE: You wanna share?(he hangs up) I guess not. Suzanne!

*********

(BDH lobby)

BRAUER: Ja, [German]. Ja, I\\\\\'ll be with you in a moment. 

TONY: You see, you told that to Gibbs a half-hour ago. Look at the expression on his face. Not good. Make this one a quickie. 

BRAUER: Ich weiss? 

GIBBS: Dinozzo... 

TONY: Sorry, boss, this guy\\\\\'s Webster\\\\\'s definition of a micro-manager. People need his permission to take a whizz. 

GIBBS: I could\\\\\'ve gotten coffee. What\\\\\'d you pick up, anything? 

TONY: Well, give me a few minutes with this girl and...(Gibbs dope-slaps Dinozzo) From the little English I heard, the new die-hund-food isn\\\\\'t so good. Brauer\\\\\'s worried it won\\\\\'t pass Purina acceptance trials Thursday. 

GIBBS: Tests? For an American food manufacturer? Where\\\\\'s this test taking place? 

TONY: At some lab here. They evidently have a license to make food in this country, but require a national brand to handle distributorship. And Purina want to make sure the standard of the food won’t reflect badly on their reputation.

BRAUER: I, ah, apologize for the delay, Agent Gibbs. What would you like to see first? 

GIBBS: The kitchen where you\\\\\'re conducting the Purina tests on Thursday. 

BRAUER: Why do you want to go there? Dog food is not under FDA jurisdiction.

GIBBS: It is if it might be ending up on some person’s table. We still haven’t resolved the reason your chief of security is dead, or your chief cook was in a dumpster. 

BRAUER: You think eco-terrorists killed them? 

GIBBS: These days, I look for eco-terrorists behind most everything. 

BRAUER: Hm. Of course, ja. This way, please.

*********

(Kate’s desk)

KATE: Suzanne MacNeil, this is your life. 

SUZANNE: Hm. You read it? 

KATE: Yes. 

SUZANNE: Is there anything I wouldn\\\\\'t want to know? 

KATE: The sad and lonely woman? There\\\\\'s plenty of time for a husband and kids, Suzanne. 

SUZANNE: Hm. The good ones are all married.

*********

(In a large kitchen, multiple ovens and mixing stations, computer desktops, and a bank of dog cages along one wall.)

GIBBS: How well did you know Suzanne MacNeil? 

BRAUER: Well. Didn\\\\\'t she tell you? 

GIBBS: I\\\\\'d like your opinion on the relationship. 

BRAUER: Well, I know Suzanne quite well professionally. She\\\\\'s one of my key employees. 

TONY: Kinda sexy, too. 

BRAUER: I think you find all women that way, Agent Dinozzo. 

TONY: Well, c\\\\\'mon, you gotta admit, she\\\\\'s pretty sexy. 

BRAUER: I\\\\\'m happily married. 

TONY: Yeah? 

GIBBS: Do you have micro-etching equipment here? 

BRAUER: Ja. Richter uses - used it for security purposes. 

GIBBS: Did you ever see this old film? The Apartment, Jack Lemmon? 

BRAUER: No, I don\\\\\'t believe so. 

TONY: Richter did. 

BRAUER: Probably, he loved old movies, but, ah, what does this have to do with... 

GIBBS: I assume the, ah, photo in your office is your wife? 

BRAUER: Ja. 

GIBBS: Lovely woman. 

BRAUER: Danke. 

TONY: Older than Suzanne, of course. 

BRAUER: Are you implying that I had an affair with Ms. MacNeil? 

GIBBS: Did you? 

BRAUER: No, Agent Gibbs, I did not. A man in my position cannot afford to risk losing everything in one of your ridiculous sexual harassment suits. 

GIBBS: There\\\\\'s a laywer. 

TONY: Sure is. 

BRAUER: Yes, I suppose someone in your profession would look at it that way, but why would I murder Walter Richter, who wasn\\\\\'t only a close associate, but my friend? 

GIBBS: I don\\\\\'t know. 

BRAUER: I wouldn\\\\\'t. [German] 

LAB TECH: [German] 

TONY: Say, with all those dogs across the way, why aren’t any of them barking? 

BRAUER: We cut their vocal cords. Otherwise, there would be no working being done in the cacophony. 

TONY: No, can’t figure why an eco-terrorist might be out to get this company. 

(A dog is moved from the bank of cages to a table in the middle of the kitchen. Another technician prepares a dish of dog food)

GIBBS: What is that? 

BRAUER: That, Agent Gibbs, is Forumla #1440. 

TONY: Catchy name.

BRAUER: If a distributor accepts it, they will find a name that appeals to your American demographic.

TONY: Smells tasty, too.

BRAUER: Ja, it does, does it not? Dogs will eat a dead rabbit from under a garbage can, and never complain about the smell. This scent is actually aimed at the owners, to make them comfortable with having it in their house.

GIBBS: Is this where you use the recipes Suzanne makes? 

BRAUER: Ja. She makes exotic flavors to entice dogs into eating our food products.

*********

(Kate’s desk)

KATE: You did see a dog in a food preparation area. Only the food was for the dog. You make flavoring for dog food. Didn\\\\\'t I tell you it was going to be something like this? 

SUZANNE: Yes, you did. But this is like reading someone else\\\\\'s life, not mine. I mean, I, I don\\\\\'t remember any of it. 

KATE: You\\\\\'ve gotta give it time, Suzanne. 

SUZANNE: How much time do I have, Kate? I mean, someone tried to kill me, someone poisoned that poor man...maybe if I go there, where I work, this BDH, it\\\\\'ll come back to me. 

KATE: I think you\\\\\'ve been through enough for one day. 

SUZANNE: No, please, Kate, if I can just sit at my desk and meet other people, living people, I, I just, I think I\\\\\'ll remember. Please?

*********

(BDH Kitchen)

TONY: What\\\\\'s that? 

LAB TECH: It\\\\\'s chemical signatures we are offering the dog - nitrates, carbohydrates, sucrose, glycose, cyclotrymethalins. Crate 4B contains a combination of cytlenide and paneratripetranitrate. 

TONY: Yeah...just like mom used to make. 

BRAUER: Kitchen grade foods, Agent. For the pet enthusiast who spares no expense for their partner. 

TONY: Single people, you mean. 

BRAUER: Well, this test is just beginning. There are more sophisticated recipes that would appeal to specific animals. 

TONY: What about people? 

LAB TECH: We have no interest in the additional paperwork and oversight requirements of meeting your agencies requirements to supply food to human beings. 

GIBBS: But ifyou sold it as ‘dog food’ and made it clear in your ads that it was ‘Good enough for the owner, too….’ 

BRAUER: It is that good. Very good. 

TONY: Maybe you could find a Loophole, if you sold it ‘for dogs’ and claimed not to know that people were eating food not sanctioned by FDA approval?

BRAUER: Hmph. Is that what Suzanne said? 

GIBBS: It’s a possibility. If you’re trying to sneak into a new market while avoiding the outlay for legal requirements. Could be big profits in such a market.

TONY: Profit is such a rare motive for murder, though.

LAB TECH: It is a typical fantasy of Suzanna. 

GIBBS: Why? 

LAB TECH: She sees conspiracies everywhere. Really, Agent Gibbs, would we survive the blacklash if such a market move were made public?

GIBBS: It’s ‘backlash.\\\\\' And no, not likely. 

(The dog snarfs up half the dog food then begins whining and retching. Finally, it barfs the food back up)

GIBBS: My second wife coooked like that.

*********

(Later, Kate walks into the kitchen where Tony and Gibbs observe Brauer and several chefs discuss the test)

GIBBS: Hey. Well? 

KATE: Reading her file didn\\\\\'t work. She thought that being up at her office might help her remember. 

TONY: How\\\\\'d she know where her office was? 

KATE: It\\\\\'s called a directory, Tony. 

BRAUER: Are you speaking of Ms. MacNeil? 

GIBBS: Yeah, we are. Kate Todd, BDH CEO Steven Brauer. 

KATE: Mr. Brauer. 

BRAUER: What doesn\\\\\'t she remember? 

(Suzanne walks into the kitchen)

GIBBS: Well, why don\\\\\'t you ask her yourself? 

[flashback] BRAUER: Suzanne, stop! Stop, Suzanne, stop it! [German] 

 

KATE: Anything? 

SUZANNE: No. 

BRAUER: Suzanne? 

SUZANNE: We know each other? 

BRAUER: Ja. I\\\\\'m Stefan - Steven. 

SUZANNE: I\\\\\'m...sorry, Mr. Steven, I don\\\\\'t remember you. 

BRAUER: Brauer. Steven is my given name. 

SUZANNE: Sorry, Mr. Brauer. 

GIBBS: Well, that\\\\\'s both good news and bad news. She can\\\\\'t tell you the formula to her recipes, but then again, she can\\\\\'t remember who dumped her in Abercrombie Plaza. 

BRAUER: Were you dumped? 

SUZANNE: Yes. 

BRAUER: You don\\\\\'t remember anything? 

SUZANNE: Only that I like blueberries. 

BRAUER: Uhm...come, Suzanne. Sit with me. Perhaps we...talk? 

(they move to a pair of chairs near the dog cages)

GIBBS: That son of a bitch is guilty as hell.

SUZANNE: You didn\\\\\'t have the guts to leave her but you dumped me. 

BRAUER: You don\\\\\'t have amnesia? 

SUZANNE: Steven, you\\\\\'d better be careful, you don\\\\\'t want those agents to see you scared. 

TONY: You remember when I stayed with you that time, when it didn\\\\\'t really go so well? 

GIBBS: Yeah. I remember, Dinozzo. 

TONY: Well, listen. I was younger then. Immature, a little unfocused... 

GIBBS: It was six months ago, Tony.

BRAUER: What happened in the office was an accident, and you know that. You were out of control. 

SUZANNE: I\\\\\'m not now. 

BRAUER: No. You\\\\\'re quite calm. Suzanne, we can work this out. I\\\\\'ll give you anything. Anything. 

SUZANNE: A wedding ring? 

BRAUER: Ja. I\\\\\'ll divorce Brigitte. 

SUZANNE: The hell you will. You don\\\\\'t have the guts. You couldn\\\\\'t even come to the apartment to dump me. You sent Walter. 

BRAUER: You murdered Walter.

KATE: She said, someone poisoned the poor man. How did she know that Richter was poisoned? Nobody told her how he died. She remembered.

SUZANNE: No one dumps me, Steven. My latest compound. (she pulls a baggie with powder out of her pocket) So tempting, all you need is a drop. Dogs can’t help themselves. 

BRAUER: What will that do?. 

SUZANNE: I\\\\\'ve already been left for the dogs. 

(She pulls a garage door opener out)

BRAUER: (agitated) Das Geschmack! 

GIBBS: The savory taste? What the - 

KATE: Suzanne! Don\\\\\'t! 

SUZANNE: Sorry, Kate.

(with one hand, Suzanne bursts the bag and spreads the powder over the two of them. The other pushes a button on the opener. Every dog cage opens, the horde of hungry canines descend on the pair. The agents start towards them, then wince in horror)

(Outside, the agents watch animal control operatives herd very bloody, very fat and sleepy dogs into vans. Kate sits apart)

TONY: We oughta do something, boss. 

GIBBS: Have you ever made a mistake, Tony? 

TONY: According to you or me? 

GIBBS: (smiles) You. 

TONY: Yeah. 

GIBBS: Could anyone make you feel better? 

TONY: No. 

GIBBS: My diner’s unlocked. 

TONY: I know.


End file.
